buttsbuttsbuttsmate | (no subject)

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It was a hell of a day.

The ladies had a grand adventure chasing down Oscar and accidentally zombies, and the guys nearly got murdered by an eldritch horror. Again.

So now the dudes have to rest because going to the super-dangerous mines when tired is a terrible idea.

They've got a day or two to kill, so this is for what happens while the guys (mostly Malcer because holy fuck dude) are recovering.

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I mean yeah Varis literally has no room to judge, and he's too exhausted to be a smartass and do it anyway.

"I usually go with a dark roast, you'd probably like a medium better. You get more of the bean's actual flavor that way."

He figures it's at least almost a compliment. Malcer had been drinking Varis's coffee this whole time, after all. He seems like the kind of person who would just flat out say if he didn't like something.

"Man, it's gotta be expensive importing good tea and coffee out here. I don't really see them growing too much of their own in a place like this."

Malcer is exactly the kind of asshole who would directly say if he doesn't like something, without regard for anyone's delicate feelings. So the fact that he's been drinking Varis' coffee in the mornings with no complaints really is a compliment, even if it's only hitting the lowest bar for social decency.

"Maybe they have greenhouses or something? They're gnomes, I don't know, they make all sorts of things."

If anyone's going to have advanced agriculture, it's probably gnomes?

"To be honest, I don't really care how they get it, so long as it's available."

You know what, it's still hitting a bar. Good for you, Malcer, we'll make a decent person out of you yet.

"Fair enough, I guess as long as they have it, that's all I give a shit about. I need to see if I can find a place with good coffee before we leave, too. I don't wanna get stuck in the middle of some nasty dungeon and run out of coffee."

Malcer makes a vague noise of agreement as he sips his tea-- sweet, blessed, wonderful leaf water-- and goes back to his partly thawed pint of ice cream. It's much easier now to pry some of it out, and Malcer is exactly the kind of terrible person who digs out all the chunks of cookie dough first.

The prospect of running out of tea or coffee while out in the fuckoff wilderness is a horrifying one. They'll definitely have to stop before they go out, no one wants to see what Malcer's like when he doesn't have tea.

"How much do you want to bet that we'll find something horrible in that mine?"

Varis, on the other hand, might be easier to deal with without coffee. He's bouncy enough, he probably doesn't need to be loading himself up with caffeine.

The tea is good, though. He takes a sip and makes an impressed little noise before taking another. Nice leaf water, bro!!!!

"Knowing our luck? There's a like one million percent chance that were going to find something just fucking horrible. I mean, I'm sure we can handle it. We've handled everything else up to this point, I think our odds are pretty good."

"Okay, fine, we'll kill it. But, gods, I'd like a break from terrible shit for a while."

First there was the murdertournament, then goo men, then the Archive, and now more goo men and whatever the goo men were hanging out with. And, like... his entire life before he ever met all of you assholes, that was filled with a whole lot of awful shit, too. Malcer talks with eldritch abominations on a regular basis, but even he's got his limits.

They all kind of need a break from terrible shit. Someone's bound to go bananas from all this at the rate they're going.

"We never get to go anywhere nice, either. Hell, I'd settle for just about anywhere that isn't in the sun all the fucking time. Do you have any idea how rough this is on my skin? Super rough. Just fucking awful."

Well, this is the kind of shit you get when your DM is into Lovecraftian bullshit.

"Well, I'd say there was that time at the beach, but..."

One, it had a lot of sun, so not so great for the delicate drow flower over here. Also there was that whole thing where he got possessed by an elder god thing or something, that was a trip.

But the mention of skincare? Malcer perks up a little, you've just said the magic goddamn words, Varis.

"You do realize who you're talking to, don't you?"

He's, like, the skincare king. Do you see his glowing complexion, Varis? Okay, he's not exactly glowing right now, but he's got the best cared for skin on this side of the world. Malcer steps a little closer to him, just a bit into his personal space there, and beckons.

"Lean down a bit, let me see what we're working with."

WELL WHO'S FAULT IS THAT

"The beach was nice at night, I'll give it that much."

But by the time it was dark enough for him to go outside without feeling like he was dying, everyone else was ready to head inside for the evening. The woes of being nocturnal.

"I mean I know who I'm talking to, but the surface isn't exactly known for carrying a wide variety of drow skincare goods."

Still, he leans down when he's told to. If anyone can make him beautiful, it's friggen Malcer.

I mean, yours, because you wanted to play this campaign and you know what I'm about.

Anyway, Malcer takes a look at Varis' skin, examining it probably more closely than anyone ever has before. Look at all that delicate baby-butt drow skin.

"Well, for one thing, you desperately need to moisturize."

For real, Varis, you're out here in the fuckoff desert, how are you not moisturizing? There is no amount of oily skin that would stand up to the deathly heat of the fantasy Australian sun.

"I can give you something that should help. And I've got some face soaps for delicate skin, you'll need something that won't be irritating. You should use a toner, too, I've got a nice one made with aloe."

Yeah that's fair.

He's about to say something along the lines of no shit I need to moisturize we're in a fucking desert, genius, but he refrains from making any smartass comments. Malcer is doing him a solid, after all, no need to be a douchecock.

"That sounds fucking amazing, you're a life saver. What is toner, though, what does that do?"

Okay, yeah, it should be obvious, and yet Varis is still the person here who's not slathering their dumb drow skin in moisturizer. So don't be a smartass.

"You'll use toner after you wash your face. It'll remove any residue left over from your soap, as well as anything that your soap didn't take off. It also acts as a humectant, so it'll help keep the upper layers of your skin moisturized by preventing evaporation. Important, considering that we're hanging around in the blazing heat all day."

He reaches around Varis' neck to grab Oscar, pulling his catbag into the crook of his arm.

"You should probably stick with just those three steps for the time being-- cleanse, tone, moisturize. You can always add more to your routine later, depending on what you want to achieve."

Oscar gets some chin rubs, then he says, "Okay, Oscar, I'm going to need my things, so I'll need you to be a bag again."

Ever seen a blobcat turn into a bag? Now you have, Varis, you're welcome.

Varis is more interested in stabbing bitches and stealing their loot than he is in moisturizing. Except for right now, because there's nobody to stab and loot, so all this skin care stuff is super interesting. He's even keeping his mouth shut and just listening to all this shit instead of making dumbass comments the whole time. Save his skin Malcer, you're his only hope.

"Three steps sounds totally doable. Like, I am super pumped for this, my skin hasn't looked nice like the entire time I've been in this shitty desert."

Also the catblob is turning into a bag THAT'S NEATO BURRITO.

"That's a shame, really. You have a nice complexion, you just have to take care of your skin in a place like this."

It takes a little coaxing, since Oscar really is dumb as a goddamn brick, but Malcer eventually gets his catbag to relinquish the right skincare products to him-- a bar of facial soap, a bottle of clear liquid, and a jar of lotion. There are gods only knows how many more such things stored within the esoteric depths of Oscar.

"All right. For the soap, just wet your face and hands, lather it up, and rinse thoroughly when you're done. Pat your face dry, don't rub it," he says, lining the products up on the counter. "The toner is rosewater and aloe, just pour some onto a cotton pad and press onto your face, don't rub. Wait for it to absorb and then apply the moisturizer."

Daw was that a compliment from Malcer?? It was almost a compliment from Malcer. Nobody's ever told Varis he has a nice complexion before!!!!! Probably because nobody he's ever hung out with has ever given a shit about complexions, but still.

"Why are we not rubbing, what does rubbing do?"

He is totally picking one of these things up off the counter and looking it over like it's the most fascinating thing he's ever seen in his life. He's excited for skin care like some kind of person who's charisma doesn't have a negative modifier.

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